Divorce is never easy. Even if you are amicably exiting from your marriage, splitting up the life that you’ve built together is emotionally tough. In order to get through the divorce process as intact as possible, you might consider hiring an experienced divorce mediator to guide you through this process.
Divorce Mediator
A divorce mediator is more than just a mediator. They are a third-party neutral, who can see your situation through an objective lens. Because they have helped others through divorce, they know the experts whom you need to hire beyond a family law attorney. They also know what the typical issues are needing mediation, as well as what types of future situations a divorcing couple may face, so that they can consider and prepare in advance.
A divorce mediator should be an excellent communicator. They should be able to help untangle the emotional communication knots that inevitably sabotages the conversation. They should easily reframe and keep the conversation on track. During such an emotional time, couples will inevitably begin to fall into their normal communication patterns. They will also attempt to rehash the past. An adept mediator can redirect the conversation and keep the couple moving towards resolution.
[/fusion_text]
Divorce Mediator vs. lawyer
People frequently about whether they should use a divorce mediator vs a lawyer. The wisest decision is to use both. They serve very different purposes. A good family law attorney will give you advice on what you should be thinking about and help you prepare to negotiate during your mediation. A good divorce attorney will also support your desire for self-actualization and allow you to move through the mediation process. Getting legal advice before, during and after your mediation is a smart decision. The attorney can also file all of the divorce paperwork for you. Some divorce mediators will do the paperwork for you, while others will refer you to family law attorneys.
There is widespread misconception that attorneys are only used for costly court battles. Even amicable couples would do themselves a favor by consulting with an attorney during the divorce process. Most attorneys work on retainer, but these days, there are some attorneys who will do hourly advising. Every attorney’s rate is different, so it is a good idea to call multiple people and interview them and discuss their retainer fees.
Cost for Divorce Mediation
Mediators also have a wide range for fees and policies. Most divorce mediators offer single sessions of two hours. More than two hours of a divorce mediation can be exhausting for a couple. Once the mediating parties become tired, they are unable to think clearly or make lucid decisions about their futures. Thus, divorce mediation is usually completed over several sessions. Some mediators have extensive (and seemingly intrusive) domestic violence screenings, which the parties pay for. Others have a brief questionnaire touching on the subject. Regardless of the screening, most couples are deemed appropriate for mediation and continue to move forward in the process. When you interview your mediators, ask about their fees, minimum number of hours, minimum number of sessions and whether they require everyone to go through a DV screening.
Impartiality and Value of Divorce Mediator
While a divorce mediator cannot be an advocate for either side, they can definitely act as your Sherpa during your journey through the divorce process. An experienced mediator may know several of the support people you may want to include on your team. They also can guide you to think about areas which you may not have considered.
When interviewing divorce mediators, you want to find out how comfortable they are with strong conflict and how they manage high conflict divorce mediations. What are the different strategies they employ to help people keep level-headed and calm? Can they be firm, yet gentle?
Do they feel confident that they can keep the emotions in the room in check, even among high-conflict couples? What is their opinion on joint vs caucus (separate) mediation sessions? Do they use both? Do they only use one kind? Some mediators will only mediate child custody issues while others only mediate financial issues. If you want a mediator who will mediate all of your issues, make sure to let them know during your initial interview what issues you anticipate needing to mediate.
Is there a power imbalance in your relationship? If so, you want to make sure that you are able to privately tell the mediator this information. That way, the divorce mediator can keep this in mind to ensure that they do what they can to equalize the power imbalance. Is there a mental health issue with one of the parties? Again, this may be something you want to disclose to the mediator to see if they have experience with this type of situation. When there is a mental health issue present, the dynamics of the mediation can be vastly different than where there is none. Having a divorce mediator who is attuned to this and experienced in working with mental health issues can go a long way in completing a successful mediation.
Including Children in Mediation
Finally, should you let older children be a part of your mediation? It is usually a good thing to bring in older children to a mediation to give them a voice in what seems to be a powerless situation for them. Giving them a space to talk about their own wishes when their parents are creating the co-parenting plan can give them more of a feeling of control. Even a small amount of control over their lives can prevent lashing out or acting out down the road. Ask your mediator during the interview process if they allow children to be a part of the mediation process.
Marital Settlement Agreement
When your mediation sessions are complete, your mediator can either draft the marital settlement agreement (MSA) for you or they can give you a memorandum of understanding (MOU). This MOU can be then taken to an attorney, who can create the MSA and file the final paperwork for you. Going through this entire mediation process will be far cheaper and more efficient than going to court to fight over multiple issues. In litigation, both parties are paying attorney’s fees and every court hearing brings more bills. If you use a mediator, you can both split the cost of one mediator and pay an attorney to file the paperwork.
Checklist for Divorce Mediation
Many divorcing couples simply don’t know where or how to start even thinking about the divorce process. I often suggest that they prepare to negotiate, which means preparing to ask for what you want. I’ve written about this in another blog: Negotiating your Divorce. I have also set up a divorce checklist so you can methodically include everything that might be relevant and/or important to you.
Quicker Resolution with Divorce Mediation
As mediation has become more widespread, more people are opting to work with a divorce mediator in order to quickly and cheaply come to a resolution regarding their divorce. Instead of fighting for years, they can get to a resolution in a matter of a few months. Working with a divorce mediator will ensure a smoother, healthier and more positive transition to your new life.As many couples wonder what mediation really entails, I covered the basics of divorce mediation, including how mediators lead the discussion, in this video.